All you can eat.

At Downtown Pizza in Portsmouth (a.k.a. the Gas Light), you can consume pizza without limits from 11:30 to 2:00 every weekday. For $7.25, choose from among five or six pizza varieties, greasy garlic sticks and a vat of gloppy mac ‘n cheese.

They throw in free soda!

There’s something so 20^th century about this meal. It’s like stepping back in time. No food pyramid. No obesity epidemic. No worries.

The basement dining area includes an aquarium that you can admire while you gorge. Those fish may be enjoying their pellets, but they aren’t fat and happy like us.

Before you salivate onto your keyboard, here comes the bad news. You’re in a dark basement. The blaring music is so loud and grating that you yearn for Muzak at McDonald’s. And then there’s the quality of the food.

The pizza = typical buffet fare. You learned that equation in high school geometry.

I see from the restaurant’s website (www.portsmouthgaslight.com/pizza_landing.cfm) that the Rotary Club awarded it for “best cheese” in 2008 and “best specialty” in 2007. Well, I’ve been to a Rotary Club luncheon. While Rotarians do fine work in the community, they evaluate food with the same standards that jailors use to evaluate thread count for inmates’ sheets.

The mac ‘n cheese was so yellow that Dorothy would’ve gladly leapt into it and followed it home to Kansas. It was a color I hadn’t seen in food since 1978.

I was tempted to write ALL ORGANIC on the blackboard that greets arriving customers. As a tribute to Allen Funt, I’d hide a camera and catch everyone’s expression as they scrutinized the “organic” platters of sustainable nourishment bathing under heat lamps.

I didn’t see salad among the buffet items. When I asked the server what gives, he told me that the restaurant plans to lower the price of the buffet to $5.99 while adding a choice of salad, beer or cheesecake for a buck or so more. That’s so 21^st century—letting us customize our lunch. Yet I have a sinking feeling that 5% will opt for salad and the other 95% will struggle to decide between beer and cheesecake. 

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Morey Stettner writes The Young Curmudgeon blog for portsmouthnh.com. He is the author of SKILLS FOR NEW MANAGERS (McGraw-Hill) and the editor of MANAGING PEOPLE AT WORK (www.managingpeopleatwork.com).